The many sizes of Liz and how do I talk to my kids about it. . . . .

As part of our cleaning out the house project my husband has recently completed the project of converting our old VHS home movies to DVD format. For family movie time on Sundays we been watching some of these movies. They span the time of our early marriage until Chloe was about 1.5 yrs old. And they display the many sizes of Liz. It was not shocking. I know that I've been many sizes during the course of my life, not all of them related to pregnancy. My hair style changed less frequently than my weight, which is probably saying something.

I've never been or even had a desire to be that super skinny girl. When you are wearing a size D bra in elementary school that just isn't in the cards for you. I've got curves, some times I'm prouder of them than others. I don't believe that carbs, meat, or chocolate cake are sinful. Sinfully good, yes, but not sinful. I try to live by the all things in moderation rule, though admittedly again I'm better at it some days that others. I also know that I prefer to eat my feelings and use food as a reward. Yes I know (insert lecture here), but I've found that sometimes a bowl of ice cream is very soothing after surviving a day with multiple sick, whiny, or fighting children. It's also a lot cheaper than retail therapy.

There have been times when eating healthy or eating to lose weight have been a priority. There have been times they haven't. Shortly after the twins were born I was at one of my skinniest times. I was also horribly unhealthy. The weight loss was obtained by the fact that I kept forgetting to eat and I used to walk four miles almost every day while pushing four kids in a stroller weighing 50 pounds before the kids poured into it. After looking at a picture of myself and seeing the hollowness in my eyes I knew something had to change. So I changed to eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. That wasn't the best plan either.

A few years ago I wanted to return to health so I started down the diet/exercise trail again. For a year I mostly watched what I ate, exercised 5 times a week and gained ten pounds. The next year I hurt my foot, struggled with anxiety and a little depression, ate whatever I wanted and never exercised. And I gained another ten pounds. I'm almost as heavy as I have ever been BUT I'm actually happier than I've been for a long time. The last twelve months have shown me how much I have to be thankful for and how much I can accomplish even during hard times.

But I still want to be healthy and fit in my clothes better. I want to be able to climb the stairs at Seven Peaks carrying the double/triple tube and keep up with the kids. I also want to give my kids a healthy body image no matter what size they are. Odds are, just like me, they might try on a few during their lives and regardless of what their pants say I want them to be happy people. I'm not going to cook a separate dinner for myself. I'm not going to skip a traditional Thanksgiving dinner, our annual fondue night, or birthday cake. I'm just not going to eat those things every day.

When I started measuring out breakfast cereal and actually creating portions out of dinner, the kids asked what was going on. I told them that I'm counting my calories to make sure that I don't eat to many. Then Zac asked what happens if he eats too many calories. I told him that he is still growing, so if he is still hungry and eats a little more those calories will help him grow up. I stopped growing a long time ago so all the extra calories do for me is make me grow out. He said I was silly. We've talked about good choices and how your body needs sugar and fat and protein and veggies. But eating too much of anything can make you sick.

I want this journey to show my kids that you can change if you want to, but as someone once told me... "Heavenly Father loves you no matter what size you are. Never forget that."  I hope that they never do.