Life the way it is, not the way I want it to be

Do you ever wake up in the morning and wish things were different than they are? That the one (or seventy-five) things you were struggling with would be a little easier today? I can usually deal with something for only so long before wanting to scream, or run away, or collapse.

I'm an emotion bottler. For me writing is cathartic and a way from me to keep that emotional bottle from overflowing. My blog is my quasi journal. I guess everybody tries to record events in the most positive light. Usually by the time I'm done writing, the carbonated fizz of problems has room to bubble gently without causing structural damage. Then there are the days that the problem I solved on my blog yesterday is still there when I wake up the next morning. 

My oldest turns 12 in a month and my life doesn't look the way I had planned. I've got four kids instead of three all spaced closer that I wanted. The money fairy didn't magically appear with buckets of cash and we are still working on that pile of debt from many years ago. The fix-it elves haven't shown up to fix all the broken and/or leaky items in my aging home. The magic pills that help me function every day are still magic, but I'm still having to learn to function in the land of anxiety and not knowing when it will incapacitate me. My brain functions slower than I want it to, and my daily lists of tasks is rarely completed. 

Some days the blessings peak through the gloom. Some days the sun shines so bright I've got to wear shades. Some days the rain pours or the hail pounds and all I want to do is climb back under the covers and drink hot cocoa. 

It's a hard thing to get up each day and function in this life the way it is right now. Not the way I wanted it to be ten years ago, and not the way it might be a year from now, but the way it is today. Much like I wished every second of potty training to be done, I wish our debt was gone and my health was perfect. Wishing it to be different doesn't ever change anything. 

Accepting that life isn't perfect can put a slow leak in that emotional bottle I like to carry around. Not perfect is okay. Sometimes not perfect can be wonderful if I let it. Seriously I wouldn't ever dream of returning my kids because they weren't exactly what I planned. Regardless of the fact that my life doesn't look the way I had pictured in less than thirty days there will be TWO Priesthood holders in my house. In another sixty, my babies will be baptized. Sometimes life isn't the way I want it to be, and yet it is somehow still the way it should be.

If nothing else I can find strength in a quote I heard recently "Everything works out in the end. If it hasn't worked out yet, it isn't the end." May we all help each other through those days that aren't working out yet and together we might just be able to make it to the end.