May: One Big Bad Ball-o-Stress

We've just survived a horrendously over scheduled week here at our house, with only two more to go until school gets out, Dad's play starts, and Mom's job schedule switches into something different (and hopefully a little more manageable). During May we have choir concerts, and dance recitals, and end of the year funness for the kids. Add that to our already hectic schedule and you get an awful lot of rannin' around.

I want them to enjoy it. I also want to be able to enjoy watching them perform. However what is actually happening is Mom turning into a revolving (rotating? spinning? oh well moving in some sort of circular fashion) ball-o-stress.

I'd explain, but it would take way too long and you'll get bored. So I'll sum up with this example. Saturday both girls had dance recitals, which for extra fun were scheduled at 2 different times. Girl #2 had to be ready and in position 30 min after Girl #1 finished her recital. Now I would insert a complaint here, but other moms had more girls in the recitals and had to watch even more dances than we did. Suffice it to say that the studio my girls attend has lots AND LOTS of classes. Briefly here is how the day went.

• Dad leaves before mom with the boys to pick up flowers and save seats
• Mom finishes getting the girls ready and is already sweating profusely from having used a flat iron to curl hair for the last 30 min and we load the car.
• Car returns home 2 times to pick up forgotten items.
• We show up 10 min late for Girl #1 to be in position but luckily Dad arrived early and has saved seats.
• Girl #1 performs, does get job, tears are shed. Recital continues for another 45 min.
• Dad leaves recital early (but after seeing & filming Girl #1) to get to play practice.
• Recital #1 runs long, leaving Mom 15 min to get Girl #1 out of her costume (after pictures taken) and Girl #2 into costume (with pictures taken), move the car to a closer spot, force everyone to eat lunch quickly, send Aunt to save seats for recital #2 and drop Girl #2 off at her designated spot. Again we are about 10 min late.
• Watch another hour of dances. Dad is now gone, so Mom attempts to record (badly) Girl #2 dancing, worry about zooming in/out, catching the entire dance (oh wait Girl #2 is now out of camera view - aaahhh). Girl #2 finishes, Mom tries to quickly gather the bags of lunch, costumes, street clothes, and games to keep other kids occupied, her purse, 3 children, 1 aunt, and 2 grandparents and leave the auditorium as quickly and quietly as possible.
• END SCENE

Are you sweating yet? It was a crazy crazy day. And really the only part I was able to enjoy was sitting at USwirl with the kids when all the had to do things were done. I guess I can be proud that I showed up and cared and have some sort of video evidence of what happened that can be viewed with rested eyes at a later date. Again some people didn't have that, so I should be grateful. But I worry about the lesson I'm teaching my kids. Add another thing to the growing list of items that need to be handled differently now.

I've recently been diagnosed with anxiety (read more about that here). Finally I have a diagnosis and treatment that is working . . . . slowly. I no longer have weekly panic attacks lasting several days and I haven't had trouble getting dressed or into the shower since I started taking my meds. But I still don't handle stress the way I used to. I'm beginning to see that there are some things that just won't go back to the way they used to be. Not just because of this condition but because I've gotten older and my memory isn't as good. And I just can't push myself the same way I could when I was 18 or 25. Though I absolutely love change, it isn't always easy to accept or deal with.

When I was first married, I managed to attend school full time, work full time, clean the house, fix meals, and still have a complete and coherent conversation with my husband at the end of the day.  Even the thought of that, now makes me want to take a nap. In the last 12 months my kids have had to adjust from the mom who did everything, to the mom who could do nothing, to the mom who can do most things but needs lots of help. 

Hopefully this whole experience/trying time/trial will end up being good for our family and we'll learn lots that we wouldn't have otherwise be able to learn. For now, I worry that all my kids will remember from their big events is how stressed Mom was. So I'm working on relearning the lessons of asking for and accepting help when I need it AND saying no to things sometimes. It's hard. I know, understatement, if it was easy I would just do it and not spend time telling you about it. I'm also sure that you all have stuff that you are doing right now that is hard too. Let's all band together to find the courage to admit to ourselves sometimes hard is worth it. Sometimes saying no to that activity you really wanted to attend means that you can sit and read a book with one of your kids instead. Sometimes saying no means you can go to bed on time or maybe a little bit early. Sometimes it means you teach your kids to be able to do more things on their own, and they surprise you with how responsible they can be. And sometimes its still hard and all you can do is cry about it and then move on.

Right now, the lesson I want my kids to learn is Mom isn't perfect. She does her best to attend your events, listen to your stories, and support you in all you do. But it is okay if the day isn't perfect. In the end she loves you. That is what I want them to remember.

The power of "I can do it!"

The Little Engine That Could is one of my favorite stories. I love the message "by the power of positive thinking things that appeared to impossible, and that people said you couldn't do, are achievable". At 5, or 8, or even 19 it seemed that as long as I could dream it, I could achieve it. But it isn't always about the dreaming. In the end the Little Blue Engine makes it up the hill and into the valley to save the toys not just because she thought she could, but because she worked hard and actually did it.


Phineas and Ferb live in some mystical land where they get 104 days of summer vacation, we get 78. It was a total bummer when I figured that out a few years ago. So I decided in order to make the most of those few days and so that the kids will have other activities to do than to bicker, touch, fight, scream, etc at each other, we needed to make some plans. Two years ago, in addition to a bunch of fun summer activities, I also had some things I wanted to get accomplished. Like swimming lessons and everybody learns to ride a two-wheeler bike. Though we've had swimming lessons each year, the last Stone child did not finish the bike riding task until about a month ago. There is a reason that it took many years (and a completely different parent) to get those last 2 kids up on two wheels, but that is a completely different blog post for another day.

This is the story of how my oldest learned to ride a bike. The almost youngest (she is older than her brother by one whole minute) picked up riding the easiest. Twenty minutes in the church parking lot and she was good to go, with just a little help to push off. By the next day she could do that by herself too. I thought this is going to be so easy. I'd obviously completely forgotten that potty training and shoe tying for the oldest one took three times as long as it took with the other kids. As I ran alongside and pushed him off and watched him fall or jump off over and over again, I could see in his eyes, feelings I have often felt at the bottom of the hill. I knew I couldn't. I knew I couldn't. Then inspiration hit me. I told him to say these words out loud "I can do it. I can do it." When he wobbled and wanted to stop, I held him up and he said "I can do it. I can do it."  Eventually I could let go and off he went. Each time he started from a stopped position, I could hear him say "I can do it." By the end of the day he could stop, start, turn, and peddle all by himself. No longer did he need to tell himself he could do it, because he knew he could.

Two years ago I started this post and never finished it. It sat unpublished in my list. Occasionally I'd look at it when I didn't think I had anything to say for the week. I'd read through what I had written and then put it away for another day. It wasn't until this weekend that I actually figured out what I needed to learn from this little incident. I've had lots of super fun hobbies that I've picked up and put down as I've gotten busy with other things and bored with others. I've quilted and sewn, and dabbled a little bit in family history. I've attempted scrapbooking and other craftiness, and learned to cook a bunch of things from scratch.

Through it all there has always been a story to tell. In an attempt to get better at this writing thing, I've been attending a great writer's conference for the last few years. I've met friends, and attended classes, and learned from published authors, agents, and editors. I've worked hard at being brave and trying new things and generally discovering what I really want to do with this. Last weekend I spent some time with friends from an past unsuccessfully tried critique group. I had been wanting to stretch myself a little bit lot, so together we formed a new group. This one to look at whole manuscripts. Luckily everyone else is farther along than me, so I got to be last in the rotation.

I've started more than a few books/stories and had ideas for a few more, but the furthest I've ever gotten was about 65 pages written. After I got home I realized that instead of the year I thought I had, I've only got nine months to finish my first entire book. That's only 174 days to write around 80,000 words. The task sounded overwhelming. And within five minutes, I was at the bottom of the hill saying what I have said so many times before, "I know I can't. I know I can't." That was when I remembered "Z" and his bike. Many times my kids set wonderful examples for me, but I also want to set an example for them. That I can make a goal, follow through and accomplish it. So I broke that huge impossible sounding number of 80,000 down into a daily task of about 500 words. That may still seem like a lot but this post currently sits at over 900 words (and I'm still typing).

So in the spirit of Zachary I will say "I can do this!" from now on. I will show my kids that I don't just preach but I follow through on the hard things too. And almost exactly nine months from today I will have a draft of my first book finished. Even if it's horrible and needs to be severely edited, it will at least be complete. And that alone is a very big accomplishment.

It's time to get real

Normally I try to be lighthearted and funny and find a nice moral about anything I write here for Mom Advice Monday's. Today I'm going to get real, in the "Real World" confessional way.

It's been an interesting several months here at the Stone house. Seriously bless my poor husband who now has even more hormones to deal with. The kids are getting older and bigger and things that I thought would be easy have turned out to be really hard. This past fall the twins started 1st grade, meaning that I'd finally be alone during the day time and could get stuff done. I've enjoyed the quiet that comes with the empty house, the ability to schedule doctor's appointments without a rush return time for that dreaded mid day pickup, going to lunch with my friends, an occasional day off for my husband with just the two of us, and the ability to stay in my jammies until 2:30 if I really wanted too.

All these things are really great, however I haven't been able to get done nearly as many things as I had hoped. Around the 2nd week of school I was exercising and hurt my foot. I'm totally accident prone and used to being injured so I thought I knew what to do. I let it rest and didn't walk on the grass if I didn't have to. But it just didn't get better. So I went to the doctor, and it got worse. Finally by Christmas, after lots of physical therapy I was able to walk for about 30 min without pain. It has only been in the past few weeks that I'm able to walk longer distances (ie through Costco or Walmart) without needing to rest my foot after.

Then came the longest, coldest, and ickiest winter that I can remember. I always struggle a little bit with that seasonal depression stuff when the sun isn't out as much as in the summer. I combat it with lots of exercise. Which you can't do much of when you can't walk or stand. So I was pretty drained by everything that was going on. Then came the anxiety, panic attacks, mushy brain, can't think/plan stuff going on.

So you take all of the bad that is going on in the world, and the hard in your own life, and that horribly mean inner voice and roll that all up in a ball. Then several times a day you throw the ball of nasty at your Pollyanna heart and soon you develop a complex. I wanted to be more positive and count my blessings and find all the gladness, but some days I could barely make myself get dressed. I was going to the doctor to fix things, but each time they tested me for something the answer was "nope" and as the weeks turned into months I was feeling much worse than when I started.

I did all the things I was supposed to - I ate better, said fervent prayers, attended church each week, and even on the worst days I forced myself to do things. I started my family history - it helped a little. I made comments in church about healing and pain and peace, but I couldn't figure out why the great answer that just came out of my own mouth didn't apply to me. I felt like I was losing all the pieces of myself I loved. I was becoming a new person who I didn't like all that much but I couldn't do anything about it. So I took a little bit and hid.

Away from the pressures of perfect. I really am trying to become a reformed "Mary Poppins" where I realize that I don't have to be practically perfect in every way. But I completely acknowledge that I'm a little bit OCD (Not quite enough that it must be CDO), so I still want lots of stuff to be perfect. I am continually trying to balance feeling okay that I'm not the perfect baker, crafter, sewer, etc. And that does not mean that my dinner, party, Thursday isn't great anyway. Because in the grand scheme of things my wanting it very badly does not cause the magic "perfect" button to appear. Thus lots of my life isn't perfect. Maybe lots of your life isn't perfect either. Maybe there should some sort of support group for that? And maybe there was a big reason why the one little word I picked for this year was HOPE.

Last week, after being tested for what felt like everything under the sun, I began treatment for my most unbearable symptom. And the very next day I woke up with a new outlook, and my Pollyanna heart back. For the five minute "snooze" before the alarm forced us out of bed, I whispered to my husband all the awful things I'd thought for a long time. For the first time I could see it wasn't "normal." And I got a small piece of myself back, a piece I had been mourning the loss of and hadn't been able to admit.

Anyway, here is the moral of the story (yeah I just can't not write one). Every day I've still got to get up and continue to try my best. Sometimes my very best that day is to put on regular clothes before my kids get home from school. Sometimes my very best is that the house gets straightened, cleaned, organized, or painted (or anything in between). Sometimes my very best is a Pinterest worthy perfect mom day.

So as I continue to work through my issues, I hope you'll bear with me as for the next few months Mom Advice might be posted on Wednesday, instead of Monday because that's the day I woke up and was able to put words together. Some weeks my best mom tips will get posted. Some weeks nothing at all will be said, because as Thumper thought me "If you can't say nothin' nice, don't say nothin' at all."

And because it was a post from another blogger that inspired me to finally call my doctor. If you are feeling overwhelmed, anxious, depressed, or just not right in the head. It's okay to pray about it, and then ask somebody for help. Admitting that you can't fix your problem on your own, does not mean you failed. It was so easy for me to ask the internet, a friend, or a doctor about all kinds of things about my kids, my house, my job . . . But I spent months trying to fix the junk in my head all by myself. Saying out loud "I can't do that right now." is crazy empowering. So is a professional saying your not crazy.

Let's Do Disney!

We go to Disneyland a lot. The first several years of our BK (before kid) marriage we got the Disney bug every 3-6 months. Living the high life of no debt and two incomes we'd just pick up and go. We took our eldest when he turned 1. We've been with little kids and big groups, and even with the stomach flu. We've been in all kinds of weather with all kinds of crowds.

Even though we've been enough times that I consider myself an expert, I still really enjoy to read tips on making a better trip. But sometimes I'll click on a Pinterest link or website or article and laugh out loud at the advice given. There really is no "wrong" way to do Disney, BUT if you claim to be an expert but don't list the correct name for one of the most popular shows at the resort. . . It's super hard to take any of your advice seriously. After stating my reaction on Facebook I had some requests for the "right" advice. Here are my tips on having a great Disneyland vacation.

Know before you go

• The Basics: With very little digging you can find out the hours of operation, parade/show schedules, ride closures, height requirements, and other gems right on the Disneyland website. If you've got a kid who is dying to ride Radiator Springs Racers (ie the Cars Ride) but isn't 40" tall yet, you'll want to deal with that before you've waited in line. Measure your kids in the shoes they'll be wearing to the park. If they barely hit the mark, make sure you talk to them ALOT about standing up straight and tall when getting measured. We've never had a problem, but I know others that have. It isn't fun when you got to ride yesterday but can't today because your tennis shoes are 1/4 inch taller than your sandals. 

•  A Little More Effort: Join (or lurk around) a forum or two. The good forums are full of people planning trips, going on trips and returning from trips. They are the absolute best place to learn about hotels, current crowd patterns, anticipated closures, and all the tricks of the parks. My favorite site when I was just starting out was disboards.com. It has in depth posts about Fast Pass, Rider Switch, good hotels, and more. It is also very active, so your questions will be answered pretty quickly.

•  Wanna Be an Expert:  Go spelunking around my absolute favorite Disney site miceage.com. Their forums can be down right snarky sometimes, so put on your tough skin if you plan on posting. In addition to the great in depth info in the forums these are the regular features I read when planning a trip.
• Dateline Disneyland (Mondays) - get a look at what's going on this week including tons of great pictures. 
• In The Parks (Fridays) - want to know what's going on around all the Southern California parks, not just Disney? This one is also picture intensive with lots of news events happening at Knott's, Universal, Six Flags, and occasionally Sea World.
• MiceAge Updates by Al Lutz - These are only posted when there is Disney News. I signed up for the MiceAge newsletter just so I wouldn't miss one. They include speculation on how events in the near future will be handled (and what to watch out for), new and exciting things being talked about behind the scenes (what's going on with Tomorrowland), as well as updates to new and current projects and policies. This is a must read for anyone wanting learn more about Disney.

What to bring 

• The Basics:  
• Comfortable shoes that you've broken in (DO NOT wear new shoes out of the box). Any kind will do as long as they are comfy to wear for lots of hours and lots of walking. 
• Sunscreen - Even my never burn husband wears sunscreen at Disney. Burn the first day and the rest of your trip will be miserable.
• Chapstick - Read above about sunscreen. 
• ID for All Adult Guests - I've read that in order to cut down on ticket fraud all guests are being asked for ID as well as their ticket to prove the names match.. Better to be safe than sorry.

• A Little More Effort: This requires a medium size "mom" bag and everything listed above.
• Water Bottles - There is nothing I hate more that spending money on something that I can walk 10 feet for and get for free. You can refill them at any drinking fountain and some of the eateries around the park. Buy them at home, to save a little bit more.
• Snacks - Disney allows you to bring in food as long as it is not in glass containers. We done fruit snacks, granola bars, fruit/veggies, but our favorite is make your own trail mix. You bring the main ingredients + resealable baggies and let everyone make their own treat each morning. Our favorite ingredients include peanuts, m&m's, pretzels, and gummi bears.
• Camera

• Wanna Be an Expert:  Pack everything listed above
•  Your Own Stroller/buy one at a local Target - Disney strollers currently run $15 per day for a single or $25 per day for a double AND you can't take them to Downtown Disney or back to your hotel room. 
• Ponchos - Want to ride the wet rides but not drip the rest of the day, buy an inexpensive poncho for everyone in your party before you leave. On your last day you can "Pay it Forward" by standing at the entrance to Grizzly and handing them out to grateful families.
• Baby Wipes - Everybody gets sticky sometimes. Even if you don't have a baby, they're a life safer for ooey gooey fingers.
• Hand Sanitizer - Millions of people just touched that, 'nuf said.

What to eat

• The Basics: Every time I travel, I'm amazed at how expensive the food is. Add Disney prices to the more expensive California food and you've got a budget buster if you aren't careful. The easiest way to save money is by packing your own snacks and eating breakfast before you enter the park. If you are staying at a hotel that serves breakfast use it. If not dry cereal, breakfast bars, and fruit can be a great alternative. Check with your hotel to see if your room includes a fridge or microwave to expand your options. You can even boil water in the coffee pot for instant oatmeal if you'd like.

• A Little More Effort: 
• Frugal - On one trip we traveled back to the hotel for lunch and swimming almost every day. It's a nice break from the parks and generally healthier than the fast food options.
• Save a few bucks - There are several restaurants/fast food locations within walking distance of the park. You can save big by walking across the street. ***Downtown Disney also has some food options, they tend to be more expensive then those off Disney property***
• Splurge - Eat smart in the parks. Along with the standard burger and fries (your cheapest option in the park) there are now several great places to eat "real" food within the park, if you've got the cash. Our favorites include Boardwalk Pizza & Pasta (CA), Jolly Holiday Bakery (DL), Plaza Inn (DL - includes unlimited refills), Pizza Port (DL), Royal Street Veranda (DL), Fiddler Fifer and Practical Cafe (CA), and Flo's V8 (CA). 
• Splure + Experience = Character Meals + any place that needs a reservation - You'll have to look around and see what suits your family/budget. Our favorite character meal is Minnie's at the Plaza Inn - but it's just our preference. I like being in the park, the food served, and the variety of unique characters here. 

• Wanna Be an Expert: If you have allergies, dietary restrictions, or other special food needs you have to become an expert. Menus, prices, and some ingredients can be found online. You'll need to make a plan BEFORE you get there of where and what you can eat.

What to do

• The Basics: Make a basic plan. Schedule ride time around any shows/parades/fireworks you'd like to watch. Pick up Fast Passes as you go. Use Rider Switch (can be used with Fast Pass) if you have small children. Eat when you want, ride what you want, rest when you want. 

• A Little More Effort:  
• Arrive early (up to an hour before opening during peak season). If you get there early enough you might be picked to open the park for the day. Even watching this is a super special experience.
• Maximize your Fast Passes - There are tons of really good guides available on the internet, plus rules tend to change so I'm not going to list tips here. A prepared person knows which rides are disconnected from the others, when you can get a new one, which order to obtain them in, etc. 
• Know that getting a good seat means showing up early - Want to be next to the waterfront for Fantasmic, in the hub for the Fireworks, or get the best view (the bridge) for World of Color? You are going to have to wait for it. 
• Choose what to hit & what to miss - With a bunch of bad knees and a good case of claustrophobia we always do the alternate viewing room for Nemo. I'll wait with the girls to see the Princesses while the boys do something else. Aladdin and Jedi Training are can't miss things for us, and we choose Fireworks over World of Color. Watch videos on YouTube to know what to expect. Try not to scare all the young children by starting your day at Snow White's Scary Adventure :)

• Wanna Be An Expert: 
• Ridemax - With Ridemax we experienced almost the same wait times during Spring Break as we did when we went during one of the slowest weeks in January. You enter the day and the attractions you want to see, it spits out the best order in which to ride them. Also comes with tips on hidden bathrooms, parade viewing areas, Magic Morning, and more. Worth every penny!
•  Add an extra day to your package - If you want to make sure you don't miss a single thing, stay for an extra day. We are Disney diehards and can do the resort for 5-6 days and not be bored. It is super nice to take the tired kids home to sleep, swim, eat, or just get away from all the people because you have tomorrow to fit it all in.
• PhotoPass/PhotoPass Plus - Want professional shots of your kid battling Darth Vader or flying high on Dumbo? Want to have everybody in your picture without worrying about a stranger stealing your camera? PhotoPass is the one thing I purchase EVERY time we take the kids. Make sure to tell the photographer that you'll be buying the CD and they'll take lots of pictures with characters or at all the best picture spots. After you get home you can edit your pics, add Disney touches, and then get a CD with all your memories. PhotoPass Plus even includes some ride photos. The CD comes with a photo release so you can make photo books or get the pictures printed at your favorite location.

When to go

We've tried to choose an "off peak" season and ended up with a park full of cheerleaders. We've tried to go when the weather was perfect and ended up with 100 degree temps all week. We even went last July in the middle of peak season and due to the opening of Carsland walked on every ride until the late afternoon. So my answer to the question of when should I go, is to go when you want to. These tips will help you create a solid plan for the time you picked.

• The Basics: The first question you need to ask yourself is what is more important A) Low Crowds OR B) Most of my favorite rides open, long park hours, and watching the fireworks every night. If you choose A) you'll want to travel mid January to February and possibly May to early June. If you choose B) You'll want Spring Break, Summer, Halloween, or Christmas. With the addition of Carsland and recent improvements to California Adventure there are getting to be less and less slow days. However the new real estate also gives somewhere for all those people to go, so even on the busy days it doesn't feel all that bad. Just know your favorite ride might break down right before you get to ride it, that beautiful California sun might be covered by a gloomy rain storm, and your slow week might be someone else's convention. It won't be perfect but that's okay, you're still at Disneyland! As of 2013, in June Disneyland closes early some nights due to Grad Night Parties, October some nights due to Halloween parties, and it is anticipated this year it'll close early in December due to Christmas parties. These are each separately ticketed events above your usual park admission. Weekends are busy year round. If you go in the off season they'll be your only days to see some of the parades/shows, so know if you 100% want to avoid the crowds you'll be missing some other things.

• A Little More Effort:  
• The best ticket/hotel discounts are usually offered during the spring. However during 2012 several million more people than was anticipated visited the resort. If attendance remains high the nice discounts we've come to expect may not be as nice/last as long/or exist at all.
• Disney raises ticket prices 1-2 times every year. Usually once in the fall and occasionally at the 1st of the year. If you have a trip planned DO NOT wait until the last minute to get your tickets. It won't save you money, and may end up costing you more. Generally tickets are good through the calendar year (yes they have an expiration date, it's even shorter for discounted ones). Always check this date BEFORE you purchase.
• Some rides are closed every year for a few days at about the same time to install/remove their holiday overlays. This currently applies to It's a Small World (November/early January) and the Haunted Mansion (September/early January). Check the calendar at Disneyland.com for the latest info on all ride closures. 

• Wanna Be an Expert:  
• Join mailing lists to get discounts: If you request the free Vacation Planning DVD from Disney you'll occasionally receive discount codes in the mail for Disney resorts. Almost all off site hotels will send discounts through their email lists, join each one that sounds like a great place to stay. The HoJo (Howard Johnson) also releases their best rates only through their email list. This is a highly rated hotel near the resort and can be down right cheap if you hit the right deal.
• I've read that it's cheaper to purchase your hotel and tickets separately. However; I've never been able to beat Get Away Today's prices EVER on my own. They are highly recommended over several Disney forum's and their customer service is excellent. Even if you can find a cheaper hotel, you can purchase discounted tickets for all kinds of Southern California fun on their website.

There really is no universally right or wrong way to do Disney. But there may be a way that is right or wrong for your family. We have our favorite rides, shows, snacks, and traditions. Most of all, from the second we hear the "magic" at the entrance to when we wave goodbye to Mickey's face in flowers, we do our best to enjoy being together as a family at the Happiest Place on Earth. Happy Travels!

I don't like it when you are nice to me

I should have known that advice about courtesy and kindness would be thrown in my face. How can being nice be thrown in your face? You might ask, alas this is how it happens.

Did you know that being eleven is hard? I remember 13, and 15, and 7, and probably 17 being hard, but don't really remember much about eleven. Maybe its a boy thing, maybe its a now thing, maybe its just my kid thing, or maybe it was awful and my Mom'll be calling me after she reads this. Because eleven is hard my husband and I have been having the same conversation with my oldest over and over and over.

He is having some struggles right now. Some are of his own making and some are being brought on by other people. Mostly he is working through the process of finding out who he is, what he likes, and who he wants to be. I'll also admit I have some pretty high expectations of him too. Mean old mom wants him to be a productive member of society. I want him to be able to cut up his own pancakes and butter his own potato as well as occasionally sweep the floor, clean a toilet, and tidy his room. All said I'm sure you can see why it's pretty hard to be 11.

Part of this growing pain experience is having lots of talks about what to do when someone isn't the nicest, how to talk to people around you, and my most very favorite. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TODAY? I've heard and even occasionally said before "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times." I always thought that saying was meant for things like "Turn the light when you leave the room. Don't forget to flush. Wash the soap out of your hair BEFORE you turn the water off." I didn't realize that it was really for whole conversations you'd be repeating, the entire time wondering what you could possibly say this time to make it all sink in.

It was during one of these conversations that I realized my son might be a little more like me than I previously thought. At one point he started to cry and when we asked why he said "I just don't like it when you are nice to me" Yep, very similar words have come out of my own mouth. Sometimes when the tears are close to the surface or have already overflown their boundaries niceness just makes everything worse. So my husband and I pulled our meanest silly faces and I was reminded that even though by the end of the year he'll be taller than I am, and he has already developed the dreaded "man feet", he is still my little boy.

The things he is dealing with right now are the first of many hard things I won't be able to take away or fix. I want him to know that home is a safe place to feel the way you feel and, no matter what, a place you are loved for exactly who you are. So even if we've already had that conversation a million times, I'll gladly have it a million more because he is worth it.

More than "just a mom"

I was working on a "Mom Advice" post for this past Monday but frankly the day just got away from me and lately I just haven't been able to push to get things done, especially on days when I used up all my get up and go early. I was able to get the grocery shopping done and visit the dentist so the day was still productive and next week you'll get that post that is still sitting waiting for me to finish it. Instead of my usually type of post I got bitten by another idea and it won't leave me alone. It is kind of like when you had to put down that really good book with only pages left because real life came calling five minutes early.

This week I was talking to a friend and realized there are parts of me that almost no one in my current life knows about. Parts that used to define everything about me. Just like it's hard to wrap your head around someone you used to babysit getting married and having kids of their own. It was a shock for me to realize that most of my current friends don't know anything about that girl I used to be. It isn't something I've hidden, but it doesn't come up anymore.

I have been feeling a little bit lost, more so than my usually I hate January blues, and as I've been working on bringing myself back it was refreshing to be reminded of that part of me. I don't like to toot my own horn, but there was a time I didn't have to. People knew stuff about me just because we existed in the same sphere and they saw me do stuff every day.This isn't to say, I'm sad about where I am now. Or even that I want to go back and become or rediscover those other parts of myself. But it was nice to be reminded "hey I used to be pretty great at some stuff." In honor of that, I'm going to take just a minute and let you know a little about the me I used to be.

• I used to me known as "the smart girl" - In elementary school another kid once said to me, "Hey you have blond hair. And your smart. Isn't that pretty amazing?" I wasn't the smartest kid in school and I didn't just breeze through BUT I scored pretty high on the ACT and got a full tuition scholarship to college. I even got my B.S. degree in Political Science (yeah laugh - I do all the time) in only 3.5 years.
• I went to work in a field that had nothing to do with my degree and I loved it and I excelled at it. I can read legalese benefit plan summaries. I read and found mistakes in our mortgage contract. I can remember odd and insignificant details about plans, and history, and random trivia.
• I can totally work almost any system. I like to think this is why I can coupon. Earn maximum amount of points at the Orthodontist. Done. Figure out how to get A's by not completing assignments you don't like and replacing them with extra credit. Done. Find almost anything on the interweb from game helps to how to fix your toilet. Done.

Maybe some of that stuff you knew about me, maybe some you didn't. Truth is, I don't really miss that girl. She was painfully shy. She has horrible test anxiety and lost that scholarship after the first year because of it. She hid pieces of herself to fit in with people who didn't really care anyway. She wasn't comfortable in her own skin.

That girl was good at lots of things she didn't really like. As a senior in high school, I wanted to be a travel agent. But I had a scholarship and so many people told me I was just "too smart" to go to trade school. So I did what was expected of the smart girl. Again I don't regret my path. I worked hard during school and paid as I went and graduated without any debt. I met amazing people and learned things I wouldn't otherwise know. Either way I would have ended up where I am right now. Doing laundry and waiting for my kids to come home from school.

From the time I first wrote about what I wanted to do when I grew up, I wanted to me a mom (and a nurse - ew other people's fluids or a teacher - ew other people's rowdy kids). I don't want to ever stop growing, but I got to be exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up. People may not know me as the smart girl anymore. But every once in a while someone says that I'm wise. I'd rather be wise than smart anyway. And I'm glad that now I make the choices that I want not the choices of what is expected. It's nice to be a grown-up sometimes.

Common Curtesy and Kindness Where have you gone?

I've been known to spend way too much time reading the comments sections of various news sites that I peruse. In my head I know that I shouldn't do it, but sometimes I can't help myself. I want to know what the Internet "crazies" will say. I'm not sure if I'm looking for validation of my point of view, or if I just like to stir the pot of my insides up.


After reading several pages of highly charged comments this morning I went off to my thinking place to get ready for the day. As I pondered some events that happened this weekend and what I had read, I wondered how I was going to raise my kids to be kind in a world where it is perfectly acceptable write/say things that are so nasty. If you don't root for my sports team you're an idiot. If you didn't vote for my political candidate you are uniformed. If you disagree with me you are ugly or fat, weirdo, jerkface, and more.

For some reason, people don't think twice about what they type and send out onto World Wide Web. Even though it is much more permanent than the nasty things you could say, but choose not to because you don't want to be mean to someone's face. There they are in print for people to read for the next forever. Sometimes I guess the comments are associated with a user name and not you per say but I've also seen some pretty vicious things typed right after names on Facebook. And from people who I thought were pretty nice.

I've written before about my oldest and some unkind kids at school, unfortunately this unkindness has started to make it's way into our home. With things said to one child being repeated to another. We've talked about the way treating someone else unkindly might make you feel good for a little bit, but it doesn't last. Then you want to be mean again. But if you are kind, the feeling lasts. It fills your heart and nourishes your soul.

It kind of seems like "everyone" is very concerned about kids being mean to each other. But no one is overly concerned with the overall deterioration of how people talk and interact in their day to day lives. I'm not an ostrich with my head in the sand. I realize that it isn't the 50's, or 1800's, or any other era we think of when reminiscing about the good ole days. But I do think there is still a place for common courtesy. I do not think stupid or idiot should be said to or about people EVER. Starting today I'm going to do the only thing I really can. I'm going to try very hard to be aware of the words and tone that come out of my own mouth. I'm going to be more kind. And most of all I'm going to start treating people (even when they aren't there) a little more like I want to be treated. Hopefully my example will have at least as much influence on my kids as the ones the world will present. Let's all make a conscious choice to make kindness the rule, not the exception.