I love this part of fall where we've settled back into the routine of school and all the activities that come with it. The club schedules are established. Soccer was fast and fun, but now gratefully over. Homework is not yet dreary enough to be a fight and if the kids work fast enough I can still send them outside to the little park where not only a gaggle of friends already are, but also when it's light enough to still see. I still have high hopes for all the things I can accomplish during the child free days. Amid all the stress of holidays and birthday season there are these lights of joy as I see glimmers of the adults growing up inside my kids. These are the things I love. Nathan's excitement to help a friend be comfortable at a new school. Zac embracing all that comes with turning 12. Going trick or treating with a good friend, and getting to know another a little bit better as we wave at the entire neighborhood walking by doing the same. Katie's sparkly eyes that light up when she laughs. Chloe's desire to help and stepping up each and every time I ask her. The smell the heat makes the first time you turn it on for the season. And it being the perfect temperature for me to cuddle in a blanket while I write this.
Branches at the top of the tree have already released their leaves into the pull of the wind. They are bare and ready for the driving snow. I'm not there yet. First snows are always beautiful, when the light reflects of the untouched field of white and blinds you. It never lasts long. The night comes earlier. The shoveling never ends and we begin our winter hibernation. The street that was full of delightful screaming and laughter is now dull and lifeless. These are the things I hate. Stress, anxiety, fear. They all come together. The inevitable march toward darker and colder days threaten to eat away at the barriers I've spent months building around my soul. Will this year be better? Or will I again slip away to the place of fog and unproductiveness? This is where the mom who yells too much, the neighbor who isn't compassionate, and the person who judges everyone and everything lives. I don't know if I'm ready to face her yet. Those bare branches are just another reminder that ready or not, seasons change.
Then there is the small part of our tree that is completely uninterested in everything going on around it. Those patches of leaves are still green. When days start to get colder leaves on the trees across the street start to turn. By the time ours has fully changed color, most of the other trees are bare. Every year I plead with the 'stupid tree' to drop it's 'stupid leaves' before the 'stupid snow' stays on the ground. And every year the first lifts of my shovel contain more leaves than snow. The tree has its own pace, regardless of what is going on around it. These are the things I'm indifferent about. I'm not going to jump on the wagon of the daily Facebook I'm thankful posts. I don't care that the day after Halloween the stores switched to Christmas. It should probably bug me, but instead means I can get my shopping done early and find deals on birthday presents too. We've decided that Thanksgiving this year is going to be totally low key. We're going to buy some things we usually make from scratch and enjoy being together instead of stressing that the food is perfect.
Most of all I'm grateful that my husband lovingly takes my occasional brutal honesty/bizarre sense of humor. When he takes a few days off work he still loves me when I tell me that "He has no cents, and I'm completely indifferent late at night."
Happy Fall Everybody!!!!!
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