After months of drafting the first words of my book and spending each day focused on word counts and ideas, I've switched into editing mode. The idea of this book has been sitting in my brain for years. Now my goal is to have the manuscript close to complete by the end of April so that I can pitch it to an editor at the LDStorymakers conference this year. I've attended this conference for years and learned so much about myself and what I want to do with my writing there. It is where I first submitting my words to be read and judged at their face value. At this past conference, after taking a few years off of serious writing efforts, I joined a critique group to help me achieve my goals. It is because of these hard deadlines that I now spend my days trying to turn the word vomit of drafting into something magical other people will want to read.
In my first draft, I mostly set up the outline of the story I wanted to tell. I devised section and chapter titles that I love, some more than the words written within the selection. There are bits and pieces and are inspired and amazing. There are also large chunks that are horrible. Before I started I envisioned that everything I wrote the first time would be near perfection. After fixing spelling, grammar, and taking out all those pet words, the prose would be exemplary. What actually happened, is an awful lot of rewriting and using the trash bin. After days of struggle sometimes I'm hit with an epiphany and instead of trashing the entire section I figure out a way to make it fit even better than it did before.
Last week I was able to take a few days, leave editing behind and get out of my own head. A good friend had been asked to talk about life with her autistic son in a class on special needs at BYU Idaho. She invited me to tag along. As a special bonus we got to stay with another friend who had moved to Rexburg at the beginning of the year. Her husband was the professor of the class, it's why they moved. Even though I took my laptop with every intention of working, it stayed shut in its bag most of the time. Instead I was reinvigorated with conversation and enjoyed being someone else's guest. My husband took care of the kids at home, so all I needed to worry about was what to order off the menu for lunch.
As we stayed up way too late chatting, my friend told me of her amazing journey of how she got to be where she is now. The months of not knowing if everything was going to work out. Of packing up her family and finding out plans they had made weren't going to work. And of many tender mercies, what they got was better than anything they could have dreamed of. We talked of plans, and how those plans change. It reminded me of the editing I was working on.
When I was younger I had a plan for what my life would look like. Zac would have been born 2 years earlier. We would have 3 kids. I would stay home and have a beautifully clean and decorated house. We would have all the money we ever needed and more. Our yard would be perfectly maintained. The house would not be falling apart. All of the children would be smart and popular and never have any struggles at all. That is not what my life looks like.
Sometimes all you have to do with your dreams is edit them. Our house isn't where we dreamed of living, but I love our neighbors. We have a park literally across the street. My kids have good friends that share our values. I have found bosom friends who I can call at a minutes notice whenever I need help. My street is lined with trees that are starting to be tall enough to give shade and shed enough leaves to jump in (at least sometimes). The house isn't a mansion but when we clean it, we have enough room for all our junk.
Sometimes dreams need to be rewritten. My kids don't look like I had planned, but the basic premise of motherhood is still there. It is something I often take for granted. Every day we change what discipline works, how best to do homework, or how NOT to lose the shoe we spent 20 min looking for this morning. We come up with new ways to balance home and work. Life changes and is much more pleasant when we learn to evolve with it.
Sometimes dreams get thrown in the trash bin and I get the opportunity to find new ones. Usually what they are replaced with fits better than what ended up in the trash anyway. Zac, Chloe, and Nathan all got teachers new to the school this year. We were hoping for a certain teacher for Zac who ended up leaving the school during the summer. The one we got instead has grown his confidence in ways I could have never expected. After years of prayers that somehow he'd be able to be in a good place with school and friends, miracle after miracle has fallen into place to give him exactly that.
Just like my book, life isn't what I'd initially planed. Sometimes there are things I love but need to end up in the trash bin to make room for something better. There are pieces that need to be reworked and reworked until finally epiphany and the solution appears. Eventually, with lots of hard work, I'm going to hit that place when other people will think there is magic in my words. The key is learning to be able to let go of the bad and not so good in order to make room for a little bit of perfection.
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