Monday, April 29, 2013
It's time to get real
It's been an interesting several months here at the Stone house. Seriously bless my poor husband who now has even more hormones to deal with. The kids are getting older and bigger and things that I thought would be easy have turned out to be really hard. This past fall the twins started 1st grade, meaning that I'd finally be alone during the day time and could get stuff done. I've enjoyed the quiet that comes with the empty house, the ability to schedule doctor's appointments without a rush return time for that dreaded mid day pickup, going to lunch with my friends, an occasional day off for my husband with just the two of us, and the ability to stay in my jammies until 2:30 if I really wanted too.
All these things are really great, however I haven't been able to get done nearly as many things as I had hoped. Around the 2nd week of school I was exercising and hurt my foot. I'm totally accident prone and used to being injured so I thought I knew what to do. I let it rest and didn't walk on the grass if I didn't have to. But it just didn't get better. So I went to the doctor, and it got worse. Finally by Christmas, after lots of physical therapy I was able to walk for about 30 min without pain. It has only been in the past few weeks that I'm able to walk longer distances (ie through Costco or Walmart) without needing to rest my foot after.
Then came the longest, coldest, and ickiest winter that I can remember. I always struggle a little bit with that seasonal depression stuff when the sun isn't out as much as in the summer. I combat it with lots of exercise. Which you can't do much of when you can't walk or stand. So I was pretty drained by everything that was going on. Then came the anxiety, panic attacks, mushy brain, can't think/plan stuff going on.
So you take all of the bad that is going on in the world, and the hard in your own life, and that horribly mean inner voice and roll that all up in a ball. Then several times a day you throw the ball of nasty at your Pollyanna heart and soon you develop a complex. I wanted to be more positive and count my blessings and find all the gladness, but some days I could barely make myself get dressed. I was going to the doctor to fix things, but each time they tested me for something the answer was "nope" and as the weeks turned into months I was feeling much worse than when I started.
I did all the things I was supposed to - I ate better, said fervent prayers, attended church each week, and even on the worst days I forced myself to do things. I started my family history - it helped a little. I made comments in church about healing and pain and peace, but I couldn't figure out why the great answer that just came out of my own mouth didn't apply to me. I felt like I was losing all the pieces of myself I loved. I was becoming a new person who I didn't like all that much but I couldn't do anything about it. So I took a little bit and hid.
Away from the pressures of perfect. I really am trying to become a reformed "Mary Poppins" where I realize that I don't have to be practically perfect in every way. But I completely acknowledge that I'm a little bit OCD (Not quite enough that it must be CDO), so I still want lots of stuff to be perfect. I am continually trying to balance feeling okay that I'm not the perfect baker, crafter, sewer, etc. And that does not mean that my dinner, party, Thursday isn't great anyway. Because in the grand scheme of things my wanting it very badly does not cause the magic "perfect" button to appear. Thus lots of my life isn't perfect. Maybe lots of your life isn't perfect either. Maybe there should some sort of support group for that? And maybe there was a big reason why the one little word I picked for this year was HOPE.
Last week, after being tested for what felt like everything under the sun, I began treatment for my most unbearable symptom. And the very next day I woke up with a new outlook, and my Pollyanna heart back. For the five minute "snooze" before the alarm forced us out of bed, I whispered to my husband all the awful things I'd thought for a long time. For the first time I could see it wasn't "normal." And I got a small piece of myself back, a piece I had been mourning the loss of and hadn't been able to admit.
Anyway, here is the moral of the story (yeah I just can't not write one). Every day I've still got to get up and continue to try my best. Sometimes my very best that day is to put on regular clothes before my kids get home from school. Sometimes my very best is that the house gets straightened, cleaned, organized, or painted (or anything in between). Sometimes my very best is a Pinterest worthy perfect mom day.
So as I continue to work through my issues, I hope you'll bear with me as for the next few months Mom Advice might be posted on Wednesday, instead of Monday because that's the day I woke up and was able to put words together. Some weeks my best mom tips will get posted. Some weeks nothing at all will be said, because as Thumper thought me "If you can't say nothin' nice, don't say nothin' at all."
And because it was a post from another blogger that inspired me to finally call my doctor. If you are feeling overwhelmed, anxious, depressed, or just not right in the head. It's okay to pray about it, and then ask somebody for help. Admitting that you can't fix your problem on your own, does not mean you failed. It was so easy for me to ask the internet, a friend, or a doctor about all kinds of things about my kids, my house, my job . . . But I spent months trying to fix the junk in my head all by myself. Saying out loud "I can't do that right now." is crazy empowering. So is a professional saying your not crazy.