May: One Big Bad Ball-o-Stress

We've just survived a horrendously over scheduled week here at our house, with only two more to go until school gets out, Dad's play starts, and Mom's job schedule switches into something different (and hopefully a little more manageable). During May we have choir concerts, and dance recitals, and end of the year funness for the kids. Add that to our already hectic schedule and you get an awful lot of rannin' around.

I want them to enjoy it. I also want to be able to enjoy watching them perform. However what is actually happening is Mom turning into a revolving (rotating? spinning? oh well moving in some sort of circular fashion) ball-o-stress.

I'd explain, but it would take way too long and you'll get bored. So I'll sum up with this example. Saturday both girls had dance recitals, which for extra fun were scheduled at 2 different times. Girl #2 had to be ready and in position 30 min after Girl #1 finished her recital. Now I would insert a complaint here, but other moms had more girls in the recitals and had to watch even more dances than we did. Suffice it to say that the studio my girls attend has lots AND LOTS of classes. Briefly here is how the day went.

• Dad leaves before mom with the boys to pick up flowers and save seats
• Mom finishes getting the girls ready and is already sweating profusely from having used a flat iron to curl hair for the last 30 min and we load the car.
• Car returns home 2 times to pick up forgotten items.
• We show up 10 min late for Girl #1 to be in position but luckily Dad arrived early and has saved seats.
• Girl #1 performs, does get job, tears are shed. Recital continues for another 45 min.
• Dad leaves recital early (but after seeing & filming Girl #1) to get to play practice.
• Recital #1 runs long, leaving Mom 15 min to get Girl #1 out of her costume (after pictures taken) and Girl #2 into costume (with pictures taken), move the car to a closer spot, force everyone to eat lunch quickly, send Aunt to save seats for recital #2 and drop Girl #2 off at her designated spot. Again we are about 10 min late.
• Watch another hour of dances. Dad is now gone, so Mom attempts to record (badly) Girl #2 dancing, worry about zooming in/out, catching the entire dance (oh wait Girl #2 is now out of camera view - aaahhh). Girl #2 finishes, Mom tries to quickly gather the bags of lunch, costumes, street clothes, and games to keep other kids occupied, her purse, 3 children, 1 aunt, and 2 grandparents and leave the auditorium as quickly and quietly as possible.
• END SCENE

Are you sweating yet? It was a crazy crazy day. And really the only part I was able to enjoy was sitting at USwirl with the kids when all the had to do things were done. I guess I can be proud that I showed up and cared and have some sort of video evidence of what happened that can be viewed with rested eyes at a later date. Again some people didn't have that, so I should be grateful. But I worry about the lesson I'm teaching my kids. Add another thing to the growing list of items that need to be handled differently now.

I've recently been diagnosed with anxiety (read more about that here). Finally I have a diagnosis and treatment that is working . . . . slowly. I no longer have weekly panic attacks lasting several days and I haven't had trouble getting dressed or into the shower since I started taking my meds. But I still don't handle stress the way I used to. I'm beginning to see that there are some things that just won't go back to the way they used to be. Not just because of this condition but because I've gotten older and my memory isn't as good. And I just can't push myself the same way I could when I was 18 or 25. Though I absolutely love change, it isn't always easy to accept or deal with.

When I was first married, I managed to attend school full time, work full time, clean the house, fix meals, and still have a complete and coherent conversation with my husband at the end of the day.  Even the thought of that, now makes me want to take a nap. In the last 12 months my kids have had to adjust from the mom who did everything, to the mom who could do nothing, to the mom who can do most things but needs lots of help. 

Hopefully this whole experience/trying time/trial will end up being good for our family and we'll learn lots that we wouldn't have otherwise be able to learn. For now, I worry that all my kids will remember from their big events is how stressed Mom was. So I'm working on relearning the lessons of asking for and accepting help when I need it AND saying no to things sometimes. It's hard. I know, understatement, if it was easy I would just do it and not spend time telling you about it. I'm also sure that you all have stuff that you are doing right now that is hard too. Let's all band together to find the courage to admit to ourselves sometimes hard is worth it. Sometimes saying no to that activity you really wanted to attend means that you can sit and read a book with one of your kids instead. Sometimes saying no means you can go to bed on time or maybe a little bit early. Sometimes it means you teach your kids to be able to do more things on their own, and they surprise you with how responsible they can be. And sometimes its still hard and all you can do is cry about it and then move on.

Right now, the lesson I want my kids to learn is Mom isn't perfect. She does her best to attend your events, listen to your stories, and support you in all you do. But it is okay if the day isn't perfect. In the end she loves you. That is what I want them to remember.