When to protect, when to let the little bird fly

I had another topic picked out all week, and then some stuff happened so you are getting this instead. Maybe next week you'll get that other one because it's pretty good too.

 

Let me start by saying for the bulk of this post I'll be on my high horse a little bit. I totally understand if you don't want to join me there or if your opinion is different than mine. But if your kid picks on my kid about it, we just might have a bit of a problem. Just saying.

 

As I'm sure all parents do, we have rules in our house about things that are acceptable to say, shows that are acceptable to watch, and ways that are acceptable to treat people. The opposite of that is also true, we have shows that we don't watch, things we don't say, and ways we aren't supposed to treat people. Yes all of these rules are sometimes broken but we try really hard to stick to them.

 

When my oldest was 4, he was shown a "scary" PG-13 movie at a neighbor's house. I was appalled, but then realized that even from a very young age I couldn't control all he saw and heard. We started working to explain why we have our set of family rules. We tried to give the kids power over their choices as they've grown up. And power to say to their friends, this show is inappropriate because of ________, can we watch something else. The system isn't perfect but it appeared for the most part to be working.

 

Enter the second part of the equation. We live in a small mostly homogenous community that roots very vocally for a single college sports team and a single political party. I attended the rival college and lean toward the other political party. In groups I mostly keep my opinions about these two things to myself. At home we root for both teams (but wear red during the rivalry game), and talk openly about our views of both political parties. I think it is very important to speak kindly about all people, and treat others with respect. So kindness and respect is often addressed when speaking of either of these issues.

 

So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that last year when one of the kids drew pictures of both sports teams logos on his "about me" poster he'd be teased. I didn't expect him to be told he was stupid and his poster was ugly. And I guess that I shouldn't be surprised that after a kid at school was saying unkind things about the President, my kid would say "We don't agree with all of his decisions, but he is a nice man and we should treat him with respect." And then be made fun of for saying that.

 

When he came home to explain what had happened at school, I tried to be empathetic (after all the exact same things had happened to me, I understood how he felt). But what do I say, ignore the things that hurt your feelings? Don't stand up for yourself or your beliefs? Don't talk about it at all? None of these things seemed right to teach him. We tried to talk about sometimes people say mean things and continue with the mantra of we treat everyone with kindness and respect even if we don't agree with them, but even that didn't feel quite right either.

 

A little time went by and I begin to think maybe we've sort of got this thing figured out. But enter Wednesday . . . . In the middle of getting ready for homework, and laundry, and spelling lists, etc. I end of having a great grumpy angry conversation with this same kid. He's upset about something, which isn't the thing I'm talking to him about, but I can't get through to him. So I do the mature thing and send him to his room until he can not be grumpy anymore. And then I call his dad. I plead with my husband to spend a few minutes talking to his son to see if the two who think alike can figure out what is really going on. Then I hand the phone to my son. After five minutes, they've figured it out.

 

My kid is 10, he is in 5th grade. He has lots of great friends. He also wants to be friends with the popular kids. The popular kids are mean, but he still wants to be their friend. As I didn't figure this thing out until after I got married, I can't expect it to not effect my 10 yr old. The basic story is this -  "everyone" at school has seen a certain movie that he isn't allowed to see. It isn't a bad movie. We even own it, but I feel it is too adult for 10 yr olds, and my kids aren't allowed to watch it yet. Also "everyone" is allowed to play certain video games that aren't allowed at our house, mostly for the same reason as above. My kid is getting teased because I won't allow him to do things.

 

I'm a parent to my kids. I feel like I know them, and what they can handle watching, reading, playing. My husband and I try really hard to explain our decisions (though sometimes the standard "because I said so" is used too). I want to protect my innocent kids from all the stuff out there in the world. I also know that eventually they'll live the nest and have to fly on their own. And that eventually is coming much faster than I'd like.  

 

My husband and son talk for a few more minutes about why we don't allow those things. My son is able to see and understand and then tells my husband. Well after I told them, "They were dumb and I didn't have to watch those things." I felt better. So he shouldn't have called them dumb, but I felt good that he found power in making his own choice. Maybe my little bird is ready to face a little of the world. I'm still going to protect him. I also have faith that when he is ready he can make good choices and fly just fine all on his own.

Simplify, motivation, and sometimes I do things so strangers don't judge me

I've been thinking a lot about what motivates me to do things. I've been trying to figure out if I'm doing things for the right reasons. And if there are things I can stop doing in order to simplify and make everyone's life a little easier.

 

Last year during birthday season* we had our usual craziness plus a baptism and a few stressful Relief Society activities to plan/execute/promote/etc. Several times during November & December I found myself very close to tears from the stress of getting everything done. More than once during those times I looked in the mirror, took a deep breath, and told myself to fall apart later. There just wasn't time for it right now. It wasn't simple and I wasn't able to enjoy the celebrating.

 

After it was over I knew I couldn't spend another year with that many things on my plate. I needed to simplify in a big way, but I didn't want my kids to miss out either. I can handle stressful situations. I do better when I'm busy. But there comes a point when enough is sometimes too much. But how do you decide how much is too much? If the activities aren't too much for each child, but mom is losing hair getting everyone where they need to be, is it okay to say no? Is my motivation to enrich the kids' lives or to impress the neighbors? 

 

Sometimes, for small things I think it is okay to do things so that neighbors (or complete strangers) know you love your kids/don't judge you at Wal-Mart. For me they include making sure everyone's hair is combed and their clothes look sort of matchy and mostly clean. I've often said to one of my girls before we leave the house, "Go comb your hair, so that people will know that your mom loves you." There are days I just don't want the fight of clothes and hair and shoes that fit. It is that fear of judgement that keeps me pushing on to help the kids look presentable.

 

Sometimes I think it is okay to have your kids in activities that help them develop skills. I used to have a rule that you got one activity per year. That worked out quite well until my oldest turned 8, so then you got one church activity (scouts/activity days) plus one other activity per year. Then last year the kids school started to offer extracurricular stuff and so were up to 1 school activity, and 1 church activity, and 1 other activity. The problem is that everyone was in different activities and with only 1 mom to drive/pickup it became a little hairy. Even with some carpool help I was feeling a little ragged by the end of the year.

 

Which leads us to where we ended up this year. Sometimes I think it is okay to say "no" in order to keep your own sanity. 3 of the 4 kids are currently doing an activity that they love. We are working on finding one for #4. My most responsible one is also taking piano lessons. The older 2 still go to scouts/activity days. But this year I said "no" to the extra stuff at school. Between everything we already had on the schedule, and homework, and other activities, I thought it was more important this year to have some breathing room then run around crazy.

 

Earlier in the year we also decided to have "summer parties" instead of birthday parties. The kids had a blast with their friends and now I don't have to fit in a party that friends can attend on top of family, work, church, school, Christmas/Thanksgiving/Halloween events. Instead we'll be doing a fun activity as a family to celebrate.

 

I don't think what works now will always work. But I'm hoping that my desire to simplify and be motivated for the right reasons will help us stay a little more sane this year.

 

*Birthday season is October to December. During those 3 months we have the birthdays of all 4 kids, 2 grandparents, and 1 aunt to celebrate. In addition to Halloween (and sewing/finding costumes), Thanksgiving, and Christmas. It gets a little hectic at our house.

I never claimed to be a perfect mom

 



I never claimed to be a perfect mom and sometimes I fully admit that I'm pretty bad at it. Because if one of your kids has to ask if you still love them, then obviously you've done something wrong today. But I did think that after almost 11 years of doing this parent thing I'd learned some tips. We'd made it to the point in our family where the good days far outnumbered the bad. We'd hit our stride and it was going to be smooth sailing from here on out. (If you aren't laughing right now, you should be.)

We'd just survived 10 weeks of summer. I'd try to convince you that I wasn't counting down, but I totally was and didn't even try to hide it. I love the sleeping in and fun activities and not having a schedule part of summer. I do NOT love the everyone touching each other and the all my friends are gone and I'm bored and the general we are soooooo sick of being together part of summer. Anyway it'd been fun, we'd survived, and most importantly all the kids were back in school again.

We'd had some ups and downs. The first month of first grade is always hard. The shy one was doing okay at school and dealing with all other change as I should have expected (with tears). The brave one only had to call me once because she'd been crying all day. We are trying to figure out a routine that fits in everyone's extra activities, as well time to do homework and get enough sleep.

During my "me" time I've almost got the routine down. I'm finishing projects and putting the house back in order and even started to exercise again. I came back to the blog (Hi) and was finding time for several other writing things as well. I've even worked on BRAVE a little bit and submitted some requests to write articles for a new website. And not only did the lady in charge say she loved my blog, but I also got all 4 of the articles that I wanted. YEAH!

Totally smooth sailing, I've totally got this mom stuff figured out. Right? Wrong! Two days after I got the acceptance email, everything fell apart. Okay not everything but I had one big day of EMF moments. You know those Epic Mom Fail ones.

It's starts like this, I'm not a morning person. I'm fine once I'm awake, but it can take me awhile of having my eyes open to reach this state. Before I'm awake, I don't love noise. I don't really want to talk to anyone. I want to sit on the couch and read Facebook and make sure you are eating your breakfast but not actually talk for a little bit. Get the picture? My kids are way more excited to greet the day than I am. They like to tell me very loud stories about everything that happened while we were apart (and sleeping) during the night. Mornings at our house can be a bit trying. Luckily Dad makes lunches, but I still need to make sure everyone is ready for the day (teeth, hair, clothes, food, etc.) All of this is occurring while I'm trying not to have conversations that require competent feedback.

Last Friday all of the kids were either best friends and very talky talky. Or bitter enemies and let me push all your buttons until you hit me. All vacillated between both extremes. By 7:51 (about 7 min before we have to be in the car) I started yelling, uncontrollably. STOP TOUCHING! STOP YACKING! PUT ON YOUR SHOES! You get the idea. At that point I'm sure I said many other not great things. Mostly I just couldn't wait to get them out the door and enjoy my peace and quiet. The weekend continued with much of the same, and Saturday night ended with my cuddlebug sitting next to me and asking if I still loved him. My reply was I always love you, but sometimes I need you to go away for a little bit so I can remember how much.

The kicker of the whole situation was that one of those articles I'd been assigned was "10 things to remember when your child is being disobedient." You want to know what my #1 thing is? It's that you love them. The thing I'd pretty much forgotten all weekend as I'd yelled and screamed and sent them away. I do think that there are times when you need to take a break from your kids. Especially when you have very little patience. Take time to calm down, say a prayer, call Dad for backup. There are others when I need to swallow my pride and pull that kid into my arms and tell them I love them. Maybe as I work on that article I'll learn to take some of my own advice to heart.

Importance of my own voice

Each year since I decided that I was going to be a Writer (the kind that writes stuff other people want to read, not just notes to herself), I've attended the LDStorymakers writers conference. This conference is geared specifically toward writers who are LDS and it has been amazing to attend with and learn from other writer's who share my values. Each year they have a 1st chapter contest and big time editors and agents attend.

As part of my journey of BRAVE this year I decided that not only was I going to submit a 1st chapter but I was also going to submit the 1st page (of a different project) to a panel of editors/agents for a cold read critique. This was the first time, I'd ever entered a contest of any kind (other than the giveaways at the mall).  I wrote a little of the terror this was causing in me before attending the conference. I hadn't written anything about the outcome, yet. So here goes . . .

One part of my daily battle between creative and logical is the discussion of whether this or that is "worth it." Sometimes it is helpful. Q. Is it worth it to pick up the living room ten minutes BEFORE the kids get home from school? A. Nope, just have the kids clean it up when they get home. Sometimes it is easily ignored. Q. Is it worth it to eat dinner twenty minutes late so that I can finish the last fifteen pages of the book I'm reading? A. Why are you asking? Read it. Read it.  Sometimes it is stifling. Q. Is it worth it to spend time writing if you can't guarantee that everyone will love it? A. Well, what jobs are you ignoring, what child are you neglecting, etc. For years, I put myself on a back burner because of this. I've written about it here. I won't go into it again.

I'd gotten to the point that I felt like writing was meaningful and I was willing to make other sacrifices to have time to do this one thing I really wanted to do. And then I went to writer's conference and put on my bravest face, even though I felt weak in the knees. And then I almost fainted in one of my classes. I told myself it was nerves, and I'd feel better tomorrow. I'd come so far I wasn't going to walk away just as my journey was getting hard. I woke up for day 2 (judgement day) still weak in the knees and lightheaded but determined to keep pushing to the end of the day. By now I'd figured out that it wasn't just nerves, but I wasn't going to succumb to full blown sick until the conference was over. They announced the contest winners at lunch. The news wasn't what I'd hoped for, not even a little bit. Not only did I not win, but the critiques weren't great either. I'd been dinged on everything from story structure to grammar and punctuation. And even the constructive comments contradicted each other so I was unsure of how to fix the problems. Trying to see the positive, I found a comfortable chair, took some deep breaths, and looked for any positives words that were written. I still had classes to attend and my 1st page critique wasn't until the end of the day.

After about an hour, I did what I do best and stuffed all my emotions down my throat and swallowed them. Put on a smile and told everyone that I was okay. Attended my classes, took good notes, and learned some stuff. Then I went to the ballroom still smiling, but all I really wanted to do was crawl into my bed and hide for awhile. My critique was only the 2nd one read, and the person reading it really struggled. She skipped words, and read in a halted style. The emotion of the scene was completely lost. Again the critiques weren't bad, but weren't great either. I wasn't the worst one that was read, but everyone didn't love me either. So again I plastered a smile on my face, though now it was even less sincere, and swallowed even more emotions and came home to my family. At the end of the day I was able to crawl into bed and hide.

I spoke of what happened and how these two days truly made me feel exactly once, to my husband the next day. To him I cried that my journey hadn't been "worth it", and I should just stick to the things that I was best at. He was kind and listened, and tried to help. I'd never had my heart broken before. I didn't know what that felt like. But that is what it was, heartbreak. I wasn't ready or able to deal with it, so I swallowed it and I put writing away for a while. It was almost summer and I didn't get much done then anyway. And that was that.

As summer neared it's end, my fingers itched and my brain spun. Ideas fluttered about in the wind and heart felt healed enough to allow myself to grasp at them. I knew I wasn't finished with writing and I hadn't finished with BRAVE either. So when an opportunity dropped in my email box to do a writeup on an event I have attended for years I typed up my request and hit send before I could chicken out. And I got the assignment. When another opportunity appeared to write the same types of things I've been blogging about here for a bigger audience, I took another deep breath. Again I got the assignment. I got both because of what I have done here on this blog. Growth I've achieved and words that I've written that mean something to people other than myself.

Then last week, with the help of a friend, I realized that some of the health problems I'd been having all summer were emotional ones too. And the worst of those health problems were related to my emotions regarding my voice. And viola - I got it. The thing is even though I'd swallowed all those emotions, I'd actually dealt with most of them. In the not telling the whole story to those who'd asked I'd actually started to believe most of what I was saying. All that was left was to let go of the pain of not getting it right the first time I tried. I realize that not getting it right is going to happen again. And each time my heart might break and I'm going to have to pick myself up and start again. But now I know I can.