Pretending to like my birthday . . . and other horrible things for my kids

I really dislike my birthday.  Disliking it has nothing to do with getting older.  It is the one remaining obstacle of an almost reformed shy girl.  I've discoverd some people (namely my three extrovert children) don't understand what being shy means.  They've never been afraid of going new places or meeting new people or having everyone in the room look at them.  Just so you extroverts can understand a little bit better, at my very worst I bravely flew to Chicago with near strangers to build my home business but didn't speak to them for several hours upon arriving.  And had been know for refusing to call Moviefone.  (In the days before the internet you used to call this number to get all the movie showtimes in your area - PS It was a recording). 

When I was little I didn't mind the day, but I'm pretty sure that had a lot more with being able to watch my brothers do my chores than anything with my actual birthday.  When we were first married, my loving husband threw me a surprise birthday party.  I've been told that my reaction to the celebration was more on par with being greeted by a room full of serial killers and not a room full of loving friends.  In a effort to avoid the trauma of the day I've gone out of my way to remove the date from any public display.  I've even deleted it from Facebook.  A few days ago I had a nightmare that my husband wished me happy birthday on my wall and woke up in a panic unreasonable worried that people would find out.  This might give you a brief insite into the stranger inner workings of my psyche. 

I don't mind if people secretly and without a big todo wish me happy birthday.  I am blessed to have amazing friends and family who make me feel special and loved every day so I don't feel like I need extra recognition on THAT day.  With all of this, I've pondered cancelling my birthday all together and not bothering with the anxiety and the panic.  However, I have four kids and two daughters.  I don't want my girls to grow up thinking that moms don't get birthdays.  They are wonderful outgoing unshy girls.  I don't want them to affected by my shortcomings.  So I wake up on my birthday and put on my bravest smile and let my kids wish my a happy day, and sing, and try my best not to run away from the spotlight.

This is a best and worst thing about being a mom all wrapped up into one uncomfortable growth enducing package.  Because of my kids I do hard things.  I want them to grow up to be brave, and kind, and unafraid of anything the world throws at them.  I want to be a good example and show them and even moms do hard things sometimes. I'm not totally reformed.  I don't think I'll ever become a "look at me" person.  Thought I may never love birthday attention, hopefully it'll become one of those hard things that is a little bit easier to get through every year.

BRAVE

I hate New Year's Resolutions, really really hate them.  I have a problem with setting unreachable goals Because if your going to set a goal it should be hard to achieve, and I'm kind sorta (okay absolutely) an overachiever so I think my goals should be really really hard, nigh onto unachieveable.  The problem with setting goals that are close to impossible is mostly you end up feeling like a failure.  I think now you might be able to understand why I have such a strong dislike for New Year's Resolutions. 

Because I this, a few years ago I stopped making New Year's Resolutions and totally switched gears to something else.  I choose one little word and spend the entire year focusing on that one little word.  The relief of focusing on a word instead of a goal you'll never achieve is that it takes little to no effort.  You can think about it when you are watching TV with your family, or when you are rushing around driving carpool, or when you are sitting at church.  I don't have to schedule time to think about it or feel badly that I didn't think about it enough today.  And yet focusing on just one little word has worked miracles in my life.  I've been changed more than by any impractical goal I'd ever made.

It may come as a surprise to some of you reading this that I don't think very highly of myself or my accomplishments.  It is something that I have struggled with my entire life.  I don't tell you this to create pity, or sadness, or comraderie, but so that you can understand me a little bit better.  I have been able to do some amazing things, but I know those amazing things happened because of help I received from other people.  Somehow my graditude to those people turned into a lack of confidence in myself.  So for 2012, I've choosen BRAVE as my one little word.  I want to be BRAVE enough to be proud of the things I do.  And BRAVE enough to try new things that scare me.  And BRAVE enough to be the person my Heavenly Father already knows I am.

I believe that power is given to anything you write down.  And power is given to the things you talk about.  So every now and again, I'll be giving BRAVE some power here on my blog.  Feel free to check in and see how my journey is going.  And if you haven't already made a goal this year, or even if you have, I challange you to pick one little word to focus on this year and watch as it changes your life..