My kids (yep all four of them) start school in just about a month. I'm now frantically trying to finish all the summer goals I made two months ago. They were pretty simple
1. All the kids learn to swim
2. All the kids learn to ride two-wheelers
3. Move, clean, paint, etc kids rooms
4. Have some fun staycation type adventures
We were doing pretty well at the end of June. July has been hot and we've fallen a little behind. As I made the list of all the things we have left to do, and everything that must be done to get ready for school, and prepare a lesson to teach in Relief Society, and other various mom/church jobs, I started to have a mini panic attack and wondered how I could possibly live through the next month. Luckily Sesame Street gave me the formula for knowing if you're alive or not (If you eat and breath and grow). So as I'm not able to sit done for more than 10 min at a time, haven't read more than a page in 3 days, and definately have no brain power left to write, enjoy this little clip so that you too can know if you're alive still. Good luck with all the back to school prep. Maybe when everyone is gone, I'll actually be able to get things crossed off my own list.
PS - I had to edit this post to change right to write - soooo sad.
I've been up since 5:30am this morning, when I should have been blissfully sleeping because I have an very busy day followed by an extremely fun night with friends tonight. And I was specifically told to get a good night sleep so as to actually be able to enjoy the extremely fun night with friends after the very busy day. Still following? Good. I'm not a morning person and usually have no problem sleeping through my husband getting ready and leaving for work, various children's noises as they entertain (or fight amongst) themselves, anything on TV, and more. But today the voices in my head just wouldn't leave me alone.
This week has been pretty momentous. #1 got his braces off and #3 had her first medical attention worthy spill. Sadly it was about the 90th time this week #3 had fallen into something, but this time she decided to catch herself with her face instead of her hands. It's always fun when the little neighbor kid has to ring the doorbell to tell you that your kid is bleeding up the street. Luckily she'll survive (for now). There was also a funeral to help with and critique group to attend. The kids were sorting the last of the toy room toys and we scrubbed walls to get ready to paint today. We're still working on learning to ride bikes, which just seems like a lot of running in the heat for mom. And all the other things that must be done to keep the house in a manageable state.
Needless to say I haven't sat down to write anything this week. Other that this blog post I most likely won't get anything written this week at all. This kind of bugs me.
My brain is very logical. I like lists and schedules and answers. To be able to write I have to shut off the dominate part of my brain. In the middle of or after a busy day, this can be difficult. Notice that I didn't say morning, because again not a morning person. I rarely have brain function at all before 9am and here I am typing away at 7:30. Go figure. So as I lay in bed this morning, the voices in my head asked "Are you really a writer, when you aren't writing?"
I wrote seriously for over a year before I told anyone other than my husband (and my super supportive ward writer's group) what I was doing. Then I got brave. People I hadn't seen in a while would ask what I had been up to and I'd say something about writing a book. Or attending a writer's conference. Or what I'd done at writer's group that month. The problem came in the followup questions. Are you published? Can I read it? When are you going to be finished so I can read it? Since the answer to all these questions was "No." I wasn't so excited to tell people anymore. The problem is writing is something I'm excited about. I just wasn't sure how to explain it to people, because I wasn't even sure how to explain what I was doing to myself.
I have friends that are prolific writers, but I'm not that. I have friends who have great ideas but never do anything with them, but I'm not that either. Here is what I am. I'm writing a book of fiction about a mom. I'm writing it, because I read many books about being a mom that I've thrown across the room. Not one made me feel better about my current state. All of them made me feel guilty I wasn't doing more. My book is about an imperfect mom, who realizes its okay to be imperfect. It took me 2 years to decide it was fiction and to give my mom a name (it's Emily btw) and write the first 10 pages. It took me 8 months to write the next 10. And it took 6 weeks to write to the point I'm at now. So in about 3 years I've written 30 pages. But they are 30 pages that I love. And they have purpose (I've got a nifty outline too). I know where the story is going and I'm getting better at being to write when I want to, not just when I have a super wonderfully awesome idea. It's a journey I started in the 3rd grade with a magical flying treasure chest. One that I hope will never end. Maybe someday you'll visit this blog and see I published this book that I love, maybe not. For now, I'm content to be changing my own life as I learn. And when its finished I promise I'll post bits here so you can fall in love with it too.
One of the themes for our stake this year has been Pres. Uchtdorf's Conference talk "Of Things That Matter Most." We've had talks, lessons, and a good portion of Ward Conference that focused on this talk. When given last October the words touched my heart. I couldn't wait to get my Ensign to read it again and again and again. The talk was a huge motivator in my decision to quit working. When it was picked as a theme for the Stake I was very excited. Slowly my excitement has turned to frustration.
I'm naturally a very busy person. I have a lot of things on my plate, things I've arbitrarily put there and others that must get done. I have schedules and lists and goals and such to help me take care of all the things on my plate. As I listened to the often quoted portion of the talk from Elder Dallin H. Oaks "We have to forego some good things in order to choose others that are better or best. . ." I heard you aren't doing enough. Often mentioned were times that the dishes were left in the sink, the laundry left undone, the floor left unswept to participate in meaningful family time. As the jobs left undone fall to me at our home, this was hard to hear. I wanted the meaningful family time, but didn't want to come back to do the jobs by myself.
I think every mother feels inadequate at times. I've always struggled with the work/life balance. I know there is a time and a season for everything but much like Veruca from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory I want the whole world and I want it now. I want time to cross stitch, quilt, write, read, clean, sort, cook, can, garden, weed, teach, and have fun, oh and all that church stuff too reading scriptures, preparing lessons, going to the temple, doing genealogy, etc. But there is never enough time in the day to get it all done (okay maybe I'd get more done if I didn't need 8 hrs of sleep each night, but I do). Hearing good, better, best made me feel like I had a vice around me. During ward conference when the subject came up, I had to walk out of the room because I started having a panic attack.
And then someone posted this on Facebook.
And I remembered why I loved the talk in the first place. "We would do well to slow down a little . . . and truly see the things that matter most . . . Strength comes not from frantic activity but from being settled on a firm foundation of truth and light. It comes from placing our attention and efforts on the basics of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. It comes from paying attention to the divine things that matter most."
In all the things that must get done to survive, I'm so thankful to be reminded to take time to answer why buffalo's have wings, listen to a made up joke, look at a piece of artwork, share a tickle, and remember to laugh. The life worth living is found in all the moments between everything that has to get done. Don't forget to savor them.
